Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
