I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
