Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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