you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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