I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
