I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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