I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
