Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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