After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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