i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
