Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
