Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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