you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
