I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
