kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i will never coherently bang her
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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