I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
