I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
