plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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