Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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