Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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