Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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