i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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