my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize