So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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