new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
