about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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