I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
