took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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