Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
