I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
