After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
