Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
where are you?
Hypothermia
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
