Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
