drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
