i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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