So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
