I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
