My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
