Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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