Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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