I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
