even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
tell me about the eggs
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
