Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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