Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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