We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
