Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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