Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
