I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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