if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
