I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
