i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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