hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
