I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
