I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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