Define "chronic" masturbator.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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