Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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