We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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