I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
