You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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