I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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