You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
