I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't turn off my feet"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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