I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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