Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
